Suicide Prevention

Suicide Prevention

Today is ‘World Suicide Prevention Day’. The fact that we have a day dedicated to preventing suicide is an indication that as a society, we still have far too many misunderstandings when it comes to discussions around death, suicide and living. Whilst many will be working hard today, posting and writing about how to spot the signs in someone who is feeling suicidal, I’m going to suggest that no signs truly exist. I wanted to commit suicide for several years and yet here I am. Many people go through life with suicidal thoughts running through their mind and many people don’t. It isn’t whats running through our mind that is the distinguishing factor in whether we succeed in ending our own life, its how seriously we are taking whats running through our mind in any given moment. Suicidal ideation is pretty common.

Combined with our own obsession of keeping our loved ones alive, suicidal ideation can hang around and it simply takes one more thought to make the difference, to tip the scales of life and death either way. When a loved one, friend or professional is constantly on watch to make sure one doesn’t commit suicide, it can innocently compound the suicidal thinking. An example? – It’s vital that you don’t think of red lorries today. Thinking of red lorries is VERY bad and will hurt my feelings. Please don’t do it!

So, how is suicide prevention best tackled? Well, it’s a complex topic for a blog post and you might still have lots of questions at the end. I would encourage you to come back to me with those questions though, they’re important ones and the answers are far simpler than we imagine. My own question though is never ‘how can I prevent suicide’? Instead, I am curious about whether or not someone understands who they really are. It is so easy to feel insignificant, unimportant, lonely, irrelevant and no matter how many times a friend or loved one tells you that you’re wrong, the very resistance to that thinking can keep us hanging on to spotting red lorries, or in this case, dying. Coupled with the fact that in the west, we are also obsessed with changing our thoughts and feelings, we end up spending a lot of time working on our thoughts and feelings and so don’t get to notice that what we are doing, is keeping those thoughts and feelings alive.

A question we often hear in the personal development arena is ‘what is my purpose’.  It used to be a question that emerged for me too from time to time, especially when I was stressed and anxious and had those moments of wondering just what is the point of my existence.  Nowadays, I have a different take on it and rarely ponder the purpose of existence for me or anyone else.  I  sway towards the view that the purpose of life is life itself and that I don’t have to make meaning of it.  I see that the only time that I try to find a meaning for my personal existence is when I’m feeling lost, separate and insignificant.  

Imagine that you and 2.5 million other fellow humans are standing in a field, pondering the purpose of life and wondering why you were born.  There must be some reason surely, you say? The group all agree.  I have been striving all of my life to find out, says one man.  I am so sick of not discovering the truth, of searching and meeting with dead ends.  I have set up businesses, made millions of pounds, travelled the world, fell in and out of love and now, I have simply had enough, I am exhausted and don’t feel I can go on anymore.  What am I going to do next if nothing I have done so far has bought me satisfaction? If nothing quells this anxiety and makes my life satisfactory and meaningful.

The man, feeling despairing and beaten, quietens and sits on the floor.  The rest of the group follow, sitting on the ground and with nothing else to do, they swap their stories about what they have done with their lives so far, the conquests, their failures, their unmet dreams and desires, their fears and hopes.  They talk of the drugs they have taken, the alcohol they’ve drunk, the food they’ve consumed.  Some tell about the the beatings they have both given and received, others, the murders they have committed. Some make mention of the love they lost and others the love they found. After several hours of swapping these stories, the first man gets up and says ‘I’m going home to kill myself.  There is nothing left for me here. Listening to myself and all of you, it doesn’t seem that anything any of us do will be good enough.  Whether we do good or bad, nothing seems to make any difference’.  Murmurs and whispers of agreement rippled through the group as they decided that they too would give up and go home.

Just as the crowd were about to leave the field, a voice came out of nowhere. It was a young girl who had accompanied her mother to the field and had sat listening to those around her, telling their stories of woe.  What she had heard though, was different than what the rest of the crowd seem to have heard.  She spoke to the first man and asked him where his millions of pounds had gone? I gave it all away to charity he says and now, I have nothing left for myself. The young girl smiled.  My mother, she says, has never even made one million, but she made me.

So what? Says the man.  Your mother is like the rest of us, she just didn’t make it, didn’t work hard enough, if you is all she made, for what have you achieved? The young girl stopped for a moment, deep in thought.  She then set about, giving each member of the the two million strong crowd, a trillion sided dice. Everyone looked at the curious object in their hand which seemed to have no purpose whatsoever and wondered what the girl was doing.  ‘I want you to take that die’ she said, and throw it up in the air.  Reluctantly, each human threw up the die and let it land in front of them.  ‘Now’ says the young girl, ‘I want you to look at the number that the die has landed on and compare it to the person next to you.  As the crowd did this, everyone in the crowd confirmed that the the die had landed on a different side to that of their neighbour.

‘Well’ she went on, the chances of all two million of you getting the same number on one throw of a trillion sided die is pretty slim isn’t it? Absolutely, the whole crowd agreed.  ’That would take an absolute miracle” says the first man, ’So, what is your point’ he said, growing impatient and yet a little curious.  ‘Imagine if you had all thrown that die ten times into the air’ she said ‘and that each of those ten times, it landed on the same side for all of you’ she smiled softly into the crowd. ‘You would then have discovered the odds, the chances of you being born as you, to your parents, on that date, as who you are’. The crowd silenced as the enormity of these odds dawned on them.  Each human is a miracle and yet, the majority of people do not realise that and they set about their life, trying to perfect what already is.

It is so easy, to seek and search for a purpose for our existence and to miss the miracle of life itself.  Life is in fact a miracle that no one has of yet discovered the answer to or the beginnings of and miracles seem to produce miracles.  Miracles seem to involve very little planning and a lot of chance encounters and happenings and the only purpose they seem to have is to multiply, continue and grow. You are not only a result of that miracle, you are that still that miracle.

So it seems, the purpose of life is to really continue onwards, in various shapes, forms and guises.  Life is impersonal, neutral and absolutely magical in its capabilities to find ways to continue.  It found you didn’t it? It gave rise to you, sitting here, reading this, waking up to your uniqueness, your magnificence! And if you are reading this, it is likely that somewhere along the way, you have spent many moments talking your way out of it, forgetting that you are life itself and believing that you are insignificant. Maybe you forget that for others too?Excerpt taken from my upcoming book, How not to die before your’e dead

To spend time trying to convince others not to die is perfectly understandable. Losing people we care deeply about is painful. Consider this though, when someone is considering whether or how to end their life, their pain is so severe that they can’t see any alternative way to end the pain. Their pain is caused by layers of thought that just won’t seem to go away, no matter how much they try to make it disappear. Do your best not to add to their pain by asking them to live. Someone living for the sake of others is not living at all, it’s existing. Instead, listen to them, without judgment, with complete acceptance and allow them to not talk too, allow the silence. Be gentle with them and with yourself too. Notice your fear of them dying and ask yourself if thats the emotion that your’e reaching out with or are you reaching out with love, for love holds no fear. They have to be the one who see’s the infinite value of their life. They cannot find that value through your own eyes, only theirs and we lessen the chance of them finding it when we are showing them the value that we hold for them. The added burden of shame, blame and guilt for the pain we are putting on others makes for a heavy veil, that hides our true value out of sight.

Does this mean that we have to have less conversations about suicide? No, we shouldn’t be waiting to have these conversations at all. But when we are having conversations about suicide, remember to have conversations about living, really living and stay curious. Resist the urge to put words into the mouth of the other. The transference of our own thoughts is unhelpful. What someone suffering is looking for is not more thought, but a rest from thought, a quieter mind and that cannot be found by giving them your thoughts to consider too. A sense of ease and peace cannot be found in a busy mind, it can only be found in silence. Giving another more to think about, more to consider with their painful thinking, is the least helpful thing we can do and comes from our own insecurity, for our own seeking to quieten our own mind.

If you or someone you know would like to find a quieter mind, please get in touch. It’s only one thought away. There are reasons to be hopeful

 

Quick and easy transformation hack

Quick and easy transformation hack

Do you want a quick and easy transformation hack that you can take away right now, implement and feel an immediate benefit? Yes? Me too! In fact, one of the main problems that gets in the way of transformation is exactly that – our impatience, our unwillingness to sit in the pain and discomfort. Your desire to be free right now is the thing that prevents you from experiencing freedom right now!

Quick and easy transformations do happen, I have experienced and witnessed many. I have seen clients the day after our first session who suddenly look ten years younger. I have witnessed and experienced sudden and unexpected financial upgrades and I have seen and experienced physical and mental illness melt away and return to wellness. They are the unexpected ahaaa moments. The fleeting insights. The sudden changes of perspective that lead to a deep knowing that life isn’t a serious business after all and that the sole, or rather soul purpose of your existence is for you to be. Its the deep recognition that you are enough!

The majority of people don’t feel like they are enough though. If that is you, stay with me for a moment.

How much money, time, effort, do you spend in a day, a week, a month, or even a year to be happy?

That was a question that I started to ponder several years ago. I was in an extraordinary (for me anyway) amount of debt and I felt such a failure. The thing is though, I was convinced that getting out of debt was where true liberation lay. For so long, it never occurred to me that seeking what I already had, was the very thing that had led me to such a predicament in the first place.

I hadn’t always been in debt of course. There was a time when I was financially viable. I had a great career that I loved. I had two children that were and still are the best things I have ever created. I had holidays, cars, DIY projects and a home. I had friends, plenty of high heels, expensive makeup, the best face creams and so on. I had an endless list of things that I was consuming, all to feel better.

The one thing I lacked though, was a feeling of deep satisfaction and a feeling of deep satisfaction was the one thing I was looking for. It was the feeling that I was seeking. The irony is, I did have moments like that, they just weren’t permanent. Those moments were followed by an underlying desire to feel deeply satisfied once more and this is how I jumped into the rabbit hole of despair without even knowing that I was in it.

Fast forward a few years, I had grown tired, unwell in many ways, both physically and mentally. The career that I so loved, started to look bleak, exhausting, impossible to maintain. Working seventy hour weeks was becoming unsustainable and so maybe it wasn’t the career for me after all? My performance suffered, as did my performance in other areas of my life. I wasn’t spending enough time with my family, but, surely I would if only I could nail this? The problem with that was, my constant exhaustion levels were preventing me from ‘nailing’ anything. Ultimately, my marriage crumbled, my work suffered, depression arose, my body was fatigued and it felt like at only 37, this was the life I was destined for after all.

It was eight years later that I finally realised that I could no longer fight for my happiness, that I could not find any strength within me to fight for living a life I loved. I couldn’t find any strength within me to die to that either. I simply had nothing left. I resigned myself to being a human who had nothing to offer, nothing to give to my relationships, to myself and that would have to be enough. It happened just like that!

Ok, not just like that. I happened to be on another course in London, miles away from home, learning how to make money from a coaching business when I heard something so profound that it shifted my life immediately. How funny is that? Here I was, in so much debt that I couldn’t even bare to think about it and I had all of these beliefs that I would fail, that I do always fail and that nothing can change. Beliefs that ran so deep and looked so true that I believed I had actually give up trying. Yet there I was, in London still trying, without even noticing that I was still trying? Even reading that back, trying to understand what I have just said, makes me giggle.

Now here is the miracle. Well, actually, I have already pointed to the miracle but it is worth repeating. I had given up. And yet, I hadn’t. I was still in life, trying to hold on. The course I was on was teaching exactly that, although, I really did not know that’s what I had signed up for. I can still hear my mentors voice from the front of the room, explaining that he is teaching a new psychology. A psychology that is so invisible, that it can only be experienced in real time, right now. He spoke about how we have an innate capacity to thrive, to feel love, peace, harmony and the only thing getting in our way is a simple misunderstanding that we had to do something to gain those states of mind and change our feelings.

I could see his point, in a vague kind of way. I could see where perhaps that was relevant to me sometimes, in some areas, but, every time he said that this is universally true for every single human, my mind came up with an argument, a reason for it not being true for me because of this circumstance or that circumstance.

Alone in my hotel room that evening, I sank into bed, weary from the life I had been living so far and tired from the turmoil of the day, from the nightmare of thinking that I had just used up my last chance to freedom. Next week, I would probably go bankrupt and lose my home.

Lying there, falling into that sleeping space, I was just about nearly there, nearly in nothingness, my body still and glad not to be holding me together.

The sound of the fire alarm in the distance moved slowly to the forefront of my mind and initially, nothing registered but the shrill bell. Nothing! The sound meant nothing to me other than the fire alarm was ringing

I realised that. I realised that I didn’t care that the alarm was ringing. To me, it wasn’t an alarm, a call to action, it was simply a noise, a noise that was neutral. I closed my eyes once more as it dawned on me that the neutrality of the alarm was fitting and that I was lying there listening without feeling anything at all. For so long I had wanted to feel nothing at all. I had spent thousands of pounds on drugs and alcohol trying to feel nothing at all after realising that I’d spent thousands of pounds on other stuff, trying to feel happy, satisfied and free. Feeling nothing at all suddenly felt welcome. It was weightless, lighter than I had ever experienced before and so I stayed there. I remained in bed, hearing scuffles in the corridor and frantic voices rushing past the door as humans made their way out of the building. I on the other hand, had nowhere to go. I had no desire to remove myself from the bed and work myself into a frenzy trying to run from a sound that was simply sounding.

I was almost drifting back to sleep when a thought occurred to me. It was a thought that stirred me into wakefulness, a thought so unexpected that rather than move me to action, it left me there, dazed and pondering why that thought had arisen out of the silence of my empty and neutral mind. It wasn’t the thought itself that I was pondering, rather, the lack of feeling attached and following the thought. It was this:

‘If you die here, in this hotel fire, you are still okay, you are still enough’

My mind giggled at that. Literally, I found myself smiling at not worrying whether I lived or died, not being concerned at about either of those options. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, but that I didn’t not want to die. Maybe this was the first time in so long that I had wanted nothing. I noticed my mind flitting back to the alarm and back again to that singular thought and I giggled again. Without any conscious awareness, I found myself out of bed, running down the stairs and making my way through the hotel reception and having no clue as to what I was running from or too. I was becoming aware though of this feeling of okayness, a feeling of thriving, of shining even. Moment by moment, it grew deeper, spreading throughout me in real time. I felt amazing! I felt so alive in that moment.

Just as I was about to fall through the revolving door in reception, my pace was broken by the hotel receptionist placing his arm on my shoulder and shouting frantically “Miss, Miss, its a false alarm” I turned around to him, completely naked, peels of laughter and the most joyous tears running down my face. The receptionist on the other hand, looked pretty shocked, embarrassed and was unsure where to look. He proceeded to take off his jacket and offer it to cover my naked body. I just smiled, thanked him, whist still laughing out loud and steadily made my way back to my room. He followed me, looking awkward and confused but I could also see his curiosity about what the woman before him was doing, being, experiencing.

I wish I could remember the hotel, but, booking it a couple of days earlier, my mind was so busy when I booked it, I done so, mindlessly. I sometimes wonder what he thought, what he made of this woman taring her way through reception naked. As he fumbled to open the door to my room to let me back in, he commented that the alarm had been ringing for nearly 15 minutes and all of the other guests had come down immediately and returned to bed way before I had. “You are so lucky Miss”, he said, still not daring to take his eyes from my face for fear he might look at my nakedness.

Thanking him, I fell onto the bed and lay there, smiling a smile that seemed to reach my soul. Or maybe, I thought, thats where the smile is coming from. I had many insights that night and these have continued. The biggest for me though, was that I had spent so much time, energy and effort trying to be someone, that I had failed to notice the human that I have always been.

I didn’t make any promises to myself that night, in fact, I never have since. I didn’t promise to get myself out of debt, or find a way of building a successful coaching business. I didn’t promise to stop spending money or to stop wanting to die. I didn’t promise to never be depressed again or to never be anxious or to not work seventy hour weeks. I didn’t promise a single thing as I realised fully in that moment that all of the promises that I had ever made to myself were an attempt to be feel ok and the only thing preventing me from being ok was that I thought I had to work at it.

Being ok is my natural state, yours too and when we realise that deeply, we no longer have anything to do to be ok. Instead we simply be ok.

I woke up the next morning still in that state of deep peace. I thought about the debt, the possibility of getting my house repossessed and still, I knew that I was whole and complete and that non of my circumstances were responsible for the years of despair I had been in. What was responsible for that despair was that I had been chasing a feeling that is already my birthright

Over the coming months, everything seemed to change and the things that didn’t, either didn’t matter or else I didn’t mind that they didn’t change. I have been taking humans on this same journey ever since. I sit by and watch humans die to themselves, only to discover who they really are.

When another soul listens for their truth with their soul, they find it. Outside of that is simply belief. The essence of life, even of human life is energy. It’s universally true for all life. Without energy, there would be nothing to power your heartbeat, your breath, or any of your bodily functions. So why is it that we think we have to power our mind? or our lives? Because it sometimes looks and feels like we have to.

Waking up to your true nature allows you to step down from the hamster wheel for a moment. How can anything be created when we are so busy creating enough steam to stay on the hamster wheel? Do you create your ideas or do they simply appear in your mind? Do you control how others perceive you or does that perception appear in their own mind? DO you create love or does love simply show up?

You don’t create this power, this life force, this universal energy, you are made of it and you are going to experience it and have an experience of it. I say this to many people and it’s worth repeating here:

No one ever died from a feeling. So many humans die from trying to do something about a feeling.

A feeling is feeling and changes shape. It moves around, it comes and goes, it ebbs and flows, as energy does naturally. Our feelings are our road map. They are our personal alarm to wake us from the illusion that we are anything other than peace. love and connection. Our feelings are an indicator that we are seeing life clearly or we are not. It really is that simple.

So, how much money, time and energy are you spending on your transformation? How much money, time and energy are you spending on fixing a feeling that is transient if you allow it to ebb and flow?

And finally, how would you like to discover for yourself that you are not broke, dysfunctional, mentally il, after all? How would you like to discover and connect with your own innate health and wellness so that you can do so anytime?

A Year of Miracles begins over the next few weeks. I will be spending 12 months personally mentoring and coaching a circle of women who are ready to step off the hamster wheel and discover how to create and live a miraculous life. You can too. For more information and to see what is entailed, click the link here

Love

Nicky x

Overcoming Overthinking

Overcoming Overthinking

Many people are looking for a cure for their busy mind, for their Overthinking! What they are not realising is that they already have one!

The feelings we get when we have a busy mind are here FOR us and are not working against us. The feelings we get when we are Overthinking are a reminder, a nudge from mind that we are Overthinking.  Feelings like tiredness, heaviness, anxiety, stress, anger, frustration and so on.  But often it is the feelings that people are looking to cure, to release, to rid themselves of and not the busy mind itself.

What happens is one of two things:

People try to organise all of their ‘thoughts’ into categories of priority or importance in a bid to focus, or, they try to rid themselves of the negative thoughts.

These would be perfectly logical steps if controlling our thoughts was possible. Unfortunately, contrary to most psychological theories, it is in fact impossible. However, how unfortunate is that in reality? Lets look a little closer.

If in fact it were possible to control our thoughts, possibility would shrink.  You just would not be able to think what you don’t already know.  It just wouldn’t occur to you to have a thought that you did not know about.  You would stick to the same old thoughts, day in, day out, believing that those are the thoughts available to you, or that those are the thoughts that serve you best and even those are the thoughts you are stuck with.  Can you relate?

In fact, this is more common than we realise.  It’s called ‘habitual thinking’.  It’s thinking that sticks, forms neuro-pathways in our brain and these thoughts often become our default. It is the very fact that we believe we are in control that prevents us from noticing new fresh thinking, new ideas, new perspectives.  If control of our thoughts was truly possible, Einstein would not have realised his theories, no new inventions would have been thought up and personal growth would not be a thing.

Furthermore, our mistaken belief that we get to control our thinking causes friction.  Yes, we are actually trying to work against our own mind, our own universal mind. I did this for years.  In my quest to feel better, to rid myself of depression and anxiety, I tried to have better thoughts, more positive thoughts.  In essence, I simply took a shitty spoon to my mind and stirred it up, creating resistance.  Resistance to mind energy feels unpleasant, feels difficult, stiff somehow, scary even.  I really wanted to get rid of that feeling and so I stirred some more. I failed to understand that the feelings were trying to tell me something. There is wisdom in the feeling!

Whilst all of the thought was being stirred by me, I had very little chance to look into mind and catch a fresh new thought.

Fresh new thinking started to appear though, when I saw insightfully that I couldn’t change anything, that I aren’t that powerful.  I gradually put down the shitty spoon and stopped stirring more often and I noticed other options, other thoughts that hadn’t occurred to me before.  New fresh thinking emerges naturally, floats to the surface more readily when we allow mind to settle.  In essence, what happened was this: I surrendered!

I surrendered to not having control.  I surrendered to not being able to change how I feel.  I realised that although I felt bad, I couldn’t die from a feeling, but, perhaps I could die from trying to do something about a feeling – think drugs, food, suicide.  Yes, suicide was a constant thought for me and I even surrendered to the okayness of that.  I accepted that I felt suicidal because I realised that if I was capable of changing that thought and feeling, after 8 years, I would surely have done so.

Like magic, I began to feel lighter, relieved of a burden that I had been carrying around for most of my life.  I began to slip out of the habitual thinking that I had had to rely on previously because my mind had been too busy and messy form me to notice anything other.  Thoughts such as ‘I have to feel better’, ‘I have to try harder’, ‘I am not enough’ suddenly started to look less solid and real.  New thoughts like ‘it isn’t true that you’re not good enough’ accompanied with a lightness and deep knowing arose and I started to see that my innate state is peace and calm.  Furthermore, I saw that my innate state is more readily available when I am not trying to achieve it.  It was the ‘trying to achieve it’ that was causing the ‘felt disturbance’.  I was swimming against the tide of my mind!

This is the human condition, the condition of you too.  The illusion is real and in a world where we are taught to control more and more often, we rarely get chance to give up the resistance.  On those occasions where we are calm, we believe it is because we have done something right; loved enough, been loved enough, worked hard enough for today, made enough money.  But non of that is true.

Feeling calmer, more loving, more at peace is ALWAYS because we have allowed it to emerge.  We have given up the fight in our mind and accepted this moment for what it is.

Miracles emerge from this place, from this space in our mind that is accepted and allowed.  Fresh new thinking, a better feeling, can all be along at any moment when we let go of control.  Even more wonderful, energy starts to resume, bodies and Minds can heal and restore and our whole world can change without hardly anything changing at all  <3

I invite you to surrender, to let go and to accept that you aren’t in control.  I know that you wouldn’t be self harming with your own thoughts if you fully knew that is what you were doing! Who would?! 7.6 billion humans wondering the earth trying to make themselves feel better so that they can live a fulfilled and happy life.  THAT, is a whole lot of Overthinking.

Imagine the whole raft of possibility if we start to let go!

Imagine the leaders who would relax enough to love and lead a little more!

Imagine the relationships that would be deepened!

Imagine the amount of compassion that would arise for ourselves and others with the simple realisation that we are already enough in this moment!

Imagine the ideas that would be given space to be actioned!

Again, I invite you to surrender, to give up the internal battle, to put down your shitty spoon and discover what emerges for you <3