Quick and easy transformation hack

Quick and easy transformation hack

Do you want a quick and easy transformation hack that you can take away right now, implement and feel an immediate benefit? Yes? Me too! In fact, one of the main problems that gets in the way of transformation is exactly that – our impatience, our unwillingness to sit in the pain and discomfort. Your desire to be free right now is the thing that prevents you from experiencing freedom right now!

Quick and easy transformations do happen, I have experienced and witnessed many. I have seen clients the day after our first session who suddenly look ten years younger. I have witnessed and experienced sudden and unexpected financial upgrades and I have seen and experienced physical and mental illness melt away and return to wellness. They are the unexpected ahaaa moments. The fleeting insights. The sudden changes of perspective that lead to a deep knowing that life isn’t a serious business after all and that the sole, or rather soul purpose of your existence is for you to be. Its the deep recognition that you are enough!

The majority of people don’t feel like they are enough though. If that is you, stay with me for a moment.

How much money, time, effort, do you spend in a day, a week, a month, or even a year to be happy?

That was a question that I started to ponder several years ago. I was in an extraordinary (for me anyway) amount of debt and I felt such a failure. The thing is though, I was convinced that getting out of debt was where true liberation lay. For so long, it never occurred to me that seeking what I already had, was the very thing that had led me to such a predicament in the first place.

I hadn’t always been in debt of course. There was a time when I was financially viable. I had a great career that I loved. I had two children that were and still are the best things I have ever created. I had holidays, cars, DIY projects and a home. I had friends, plenty of high heels, expensive makeup, the best face creams and so on. I had an endless list of things that I was consuming, all to feel better.

The one thing I lacked though, was a feeling of deep satisfaction and a feeling of deep satisfaction was the one thing I was looking for. It was the feeling that I was seeking. The irony is, I did have moments like that, they just weren’t permanent. Those moments were followed by an underlying desire to feel deeply satisfied once more and this is how I jumped into the rabbit hole of despair without even knowing that I was in it.

Fast forward a few years, I had grown tired, unwell in many ways, both physically and mentally. The career that I so loved, started to look bleak, exhausting, impossible to maintain. Working seventy hour weeks was becoming unsustainable and so maybe it wasn’t the career for me after all? My performance suffered, as did my performance in other areas of my life. I wasn’t spending enough time with my family, but, surely I would if only I could nail this? The problem with that was, my constant exhaustion levels were preventing me from ‘nailing’ anything. Ultimately, my marriage crumbled, my work suffered, depression arose, my body was fatigued and it felt like at only 37, this was the life I was destined for after all.

It was eight years later that I finally realised that I could no longer fight for my happiness, that I could not find any strength within me to fight for living a life I loved. I couldn’t find any strength within me to die to that either. I simply had nothing left. I resigned myself to being a human who had nothing to offer, nothing to give to my relationships, to myself and that would have to be enough. It happened just like that!

Ok, not just like that. I happened to be on another course in London, miles away from home, learning how to make money from a coaching business when I heard something so profound that it shifted my life immediately. How funny is that? Here I was, in so much debt that I couldn’t even bare to think about it and I had all of these beliefs that I would fail, that I do always fail and that nothing can change. Beliefs that ran so deep and looked so true that I believed I had actually give up trying. Yet there I was, in London still trying, without even noticing that I was still trying? Even reading that back, trying to understand what I have just said, makes me giggle.

Now here is the miracle. Well, actually, I have already pointed to the miracle but it is worth repeating. I had given up. And yet, I hadn’t. I was still in life, trying to hold on. The course I was on was teaching exactly that, although, I really did not know that’s what I had signed up for. I can still hear my mentors voice from the front of the room, explaining that he is teaching a new psychology. A psychology that is so invisible, that it can only be experienced in real time, right now. He spoke about how we have an innate capacity to thrive, to feel love, peace, harmony and the only thing getting in our way is a simple misunderstanding that we had to do something to gain those states of mind and change our feelings.

I could see his point, in a vague kind of way. I could see where perhaps that was relevant to me sometimes, in some areas, but, every time he said that this is universally true for every single human, my mind came up with an argument, a reason for it not being true for me because of this circumstance or that circumstance.

Alone in my hotel room that evening, I sank into bed, weary from the life I had been living so far and tired from the turmoil of the day, from the nightmare of thinking that I had just used up my last chance to freedom. Next week, I would probably go bankrupt and lose my home.

Lying there, falling into that sleeping space, I was just about nearly there, nearly in nothingness, my body still and glad not to be holding me together.

The sound of the fire alarm in the distance moved slowly to the forefront of my mind and initially, nothing registered but the shrill bell. Nothing! The sound meant nothing to me other than the fire alarm was ringing

I realised that. I realised that I didn’t care that the alarm was ringing. To me, it wasn’t an alarm, a call to action, it was simply a noise, a noise that was neutral. I closed my eyes once more as it dawned on me that the neutrality of the alarm was fitting and that I was lying there listening without feeling anything at all. For so long I had wanted to feel nothing at all. I had spent thousands of pounds on drugs and alcohol trying to feel nothing at all after realising that I’d spent thousands of pounds on other stuff, trying to feel happy, satisfied and free. Feeling nothing at all suddenly felt welcome. It was weightless, lighter than I had ever experienced before and so I stayed there. I remained in bed, hearing scuffles in the corridor and frantic voices rushing past the door as humans made their way out of the building. I on the other hand, had nowhere to go. I had no desire to remove myself from the bed and work myself into a frenzy trying to run from a sound that was simply sounding.

I was almost drifting back to sleep when a thought occurred to me. It was a thought that stirred me into wakefulness, a thought so unexpected that rather than move me to action, it left me there, dazed and pondering why that thought had arisen out of the silence of my empty and neutral mind. It wasn’t the thought itself that I was pondering, rather, the lack of feeling attached and following the thought. It was this:

‘If you die here, in this hotel fire, you are still okay, you are still enough’

My mind giggled at that. Literally, I found myself smiling at not worrying whether I lived or died, not being concerned at about either of those options. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, but that I didn’t not want to die. Maybe this was the first time in so long that I had wanted nothing. I noticed my mind flitting back to the alarm and back again to that singular thought and I giggled again. Without any conscious awareness, I found myself out of bed, running down the stairs and making my way through the hotel reception and having no clue as to what I was running from or too. I was becoming aware though of this feeling of okayness, a feeling of thriving, of shining even. Moment by moment, it grew deeper, spreading throughout me in real time. I felt amazing! I felt so alive in that moment.

Just as I was about to fall through the revolving door in reception, my pace was broken by the hotel receptionist placing his arm on my shoulder and shouting frantically “Miss, Miss, its a false alarm” I turned around to him, completely naked, peels of laughter and the most joyous tears running down my face. The receptionist on the other hand, looked pretty shocked, embarrassed and was unsure where to look. He proceeded to take off his jacket and offer it to cover my naked body. I just smiled, thanked him, whist still laughing out loud and steadily made my way back to my room. He followed me, looking awkward and confused but I could also see his curiosity about what the woman before him was doing, being, experiencing.

I wish I could remember the hotel, but, booking it a couple of days earlier, my mind was so busy when I booked it, I done so, mindlessly. I sometimes wonder what he thought, what he made of this woman taring her way through reception naked. As he fumbled to open the door to my room to let me back in, he commented that the alarm had been ringing for nearly 15 minutes and all of the other guests had come down immediately and returned to bed way before I had. “You are so lucky Miss”, he said, still not daring to take his eyes from my face for fear he might look at my nakedness.

Thanking him, I fell onto the bed and lay there, smiling a smile that seemed to reach my soul. Or maybe, I thought, thats where the smile is coming from. I had many insights that night and these have continued. The biggest for me though, was that I had spent so much time, energy and effort trying to be someone, that I had failed to notice the human that I have always been.

I didn’t make any promises to myself that night, in fact, I never have since. I didn’t promise to get myself out of debt, or find a way of building a successful coaching business. I didn’t promise to stop spending money or to stop wanting to die. I didn’t promise to never be depressed again or to never be anxious or to not work seventy hour weeks. I didn’t promise a single thing as I realised fully in that moment that all of the promises that I had ever made to myself were an attempt to be feel ok and the only thing preventing me from being ok was that I thought I had to work at it.

Being ok is my natural state, yours too and when we realise that deeply, we no longer have anything to do to be ok. Instead we simply be ok.

I woke up the next morning still in that state of deep peace. I thought about the debt, the possibility of getting my house repossessed and still, I knew that I was whole and complete and that non of my circumstances were responsible for the years of despair I had been in. What was responsible for that despair was that I had been chasing a feeling that is already my birthright

Over the coming months, everything seemed to change and the things that didn’t, either didn’t matter or else I didn’t mind that they didn’t change. I have been taking humans on this same journey ever since. I sit by and watch humans die to themselves, only to discover who they really are.

When another soul listens for their truth with their soul, they find it. Outside of that is simply belief. The essence of life, even of human life is energy. It’s universally true for all life. Without energy, there would be nothing to power your heartbeat, your breath, or any of your bodily functions. So why is it that we think we have to power our mind? or our lives? Because it sometimes looks and feels like we have to.

Waking up to your true nature allows you to step down from the hamster wheel for a moment. How can anything be created when we are so busy creating enough steam to stay on the hamster wheel? Do you create your ideas or do they simply appear in your mind? Do you control how others perceive you or does that perception appear in their own mind? DO you create love or does love simply show up?

You don’t create this power, this life force, this universal energy, you are made of it and you are going to experience it and have an experience of it. I say this to many people and it’s worth repeating here:

No one ever died from a feeling. So many humans die from trying to do something about a feeling.

A feeling is feeling and changes shape. It moves around, it comes and goes, it ebbs and flows, as energy does naturally. Our feelings are our road map. They are our personal alarm to wake us from the illusion that we are anything other than peace. love and connection. Our feelings are an indicator that we are seeing life clearly or we are not. It really is that simple.

So, how much money, time and energy are you spending on your transformation? How much money, time and energy are you spending on fixing a feeling that is transient if you allow it to ebb and flow?

And finally, how would you like to discover for yourself that you are not broke, dysfunctional, mentally il, after all? How would you like to discover and connect with your own innate health and wellness so that you can do so anytime?

A Year of Miracles begins over the next few weeks. I will be spending 12 months personally mentoring and coaching a circle of women who are ready to step off the hamster wheel and discover how to create and live a miraculous life. You can too. For more information and to see what is entailed, click the link here

Love

Nicky x

Qualities of a Great Leader

Qualities of a Great Leader

The qualities of a great leader, I am discovering are pretty similar worldwide.  Or rather, when I googled this question, most content listed the same or similar traits as significant.

No doubt you may have your own ideas of what a leader looks like or what they might do and the qualities they possess to make them so.  These idea’s or concepts are what you use to decide whether you yourself are a good leader.  It’s your inner Leadership Template!  If you fit the template, that is great news and it’s likely that you identify with those qualities, they are prevalent in your working life and you have little doubt as to how to lead or whether your leadership is effective.  But, if you don’t fit that template, whether you are in a position of leadership or would like to be, you’re likely to be struggling and wondering how you can mould yourself into the Leadership Template!

Either way, the fact is, any idea that humans have of a ‘Leadership Template’ made of qualities, concepts and ideas, is likely to be way off what an actual great leader would define themselves as.  Fitting ourselves into a ‘template’ is not actually the best way for us to even grow or develop into a great leader.  Certainly, the qualities that most conceive as desirable in a leader, are not the stuff that leaders are made of and are not available to them 100% of the time.  Leadership it seems, like everything else in life, is a moment to moment experience.

So, what are these qualities anyway you may be wondering.  The most common are things like: confidence, authenticity, integrity, generosity, insightfulness, decisiveness, positivity.  They all sound plausible don’t they? In fact, they really sound like the qualities that I myself would love but sometimes, these qualities seem to evade me.  When I delved further though, I found some surprising qualities on the list like: restlessness, even wonkiness.  Im not even sure what wonkiness means? Although, I can guess, because, sometimes I have wonky days too.

That got me thinking! These qualities, they sound like traits that every human I have ever met has within them.  There is nothing that I came across that I could rule out as not being available to me or you.  Obviously, there is something missing from the equation that we aren’t noticing.

It was the last session with one of my wonderful clients yesterday.  She is the CEO of a global organisation and when we started to work together she had questions that she wanted answers to.  She was unsure of whether to move on to something new.  Her organisation had gone through a huge change over the last few years and it was taking it’s toll on.  She felt anything but the amazing leader that she is! She was making decisions for everyone and rather than growing in the direction that she had hoped, the question she needed to ask herself was whether to continue and risk her health, relationships and sanity, or whether to bail out, find something new and start again.

Throughout our time together, she has recognised her decisiveness, her confidence, her integrity, her authenticity, generosity and positivity but what she also noticed was these qualities weren’t as available to her in every moment and she wanted them back!  What she was actually experiencing was her wonkiness and restlessness.  Now, according to sources, restlessness and wonkiness are desirable, but to my client, they were anything but!

The real source of good Leadership

Fast forward 6 months and she has stripped her organisation back, stripped her ‘self’ back.  She has uncovered glitches that were clogging up the system.  She had unearthed what needed to be unearthed and she has rejigged and reshaped a structure that she had been trying with all her might to contain and keep in place. She is in Service!

As we reflected last night on her journey over the last 6 months, she recognised how scary this had been.  How she had moments where it looked like everything she had worked so hard for was simply crumbling and that she had failed.  It had seemed to her that it was her job to keep it all together and during the last few years. she had worked harder, longer and faster to try to do so!  Working that way was not enabling her to be and remain in Service.  Being in Service requires your best ‘self’ to show up whenever its available but it also requires you to know that even when it doesn’t show up, it’s still there!

Being in Service is exactly how any and every Great Leader continues their mission and is able to bring forward their decisiveness, confidence, integrity, generosity and authenticity, even when these qualities seem to have deserted them!

Finally my client said the difference that really made the difference was understanding her true nature and noticing, in real time, the ebb and flow of her felt experience, of life!

Really seeing for herself that a Leader will have a range of feelings, including not feeling like a Leader and when this seems true, it has the potential to affect her ability to lead.  In fact, this is what happened over the last twelve months, until it gradually dawned on her that during each and every session, we were able to discover those qualities and let them shine.

What my client now has is a refreshed global organisation that she is excited about leading and furthermore, she knows that she is fully equipped for the job!  She works less, gets more done and has a better quality of balance in all areas of life, including her relationships and health.  All of the qualities listed above are prevalent and available to her in any given moment, but for her insecurity.  The desirable qualities in fact, are symptoms rather than causes! They’re symptoms of our moment to moment experience. When she remains in Service to her ‘self’, she naturally calibrates and readjusts and her best ideas, her genius, her fresh thinking has emerged from that place.  Being in ‘Service’ to her ‘self’ has benefitted her whole organisation, her personal relationships and her zest fro life!

When we start to understand that our moment to moment experience of life is transient, changeable and not fixed at all, we start to understand why those qualities, or any other qualities, come and go.  Life isn’t made of fixed, permanent unchangeable moods or feelings.  It is made of fleeting, changeable and variable feelings, moment to moment to moment.  Knowing this has enabled her to see just how much she was doing to try and change a feeling and whilst she was doing that, she wasn’t able to access her best ideas, her natural ability to connect and her resilience.  She was in fact fighting invisible fires.

Surprisingly for her, but actually not so for me, my client has discovered her inner and innate resilience! She is now conscious, aware and awake to life more of the time and she understands that she gets to listen to her wisdom! Her inner sat nav is her feelings in any given moment.  The knowing that the feeling is a reminder of how close or how far away she is walking from her true nature, her inner leader and it is beckoning her to return to her centre has been pivotal.

An insecure feeling is never a warning or sign that we are actually insecure, useless and need to work harder and faster.  Neither is it an indication of failure or wrong doing.  Our insecurity, whether it is in the form of fear, anxiety or a gentle for-boding, is in fact calling out to us that we are forgetting that we are enough in this moment.  The more we ignore this inner sat nav, the louder it will beep! It is trying to keep us on course.

It was so good to see my client fully aware of her centre, of her resilience, health and wellbeing and the joy shining through her smile was a reminder to me why I do this work!

When your inner leader deserts you, remember that it’s simply buried beneath the chaos of an insecure feeling and there is nothing that you need to do to beckon it to return!  What you could do instead is remember that the real signs of a good leader is your inner knowing and connectedness to your innate wisdom and resilience and the awareness that in this very moment, you are enough.  That is the difference that makes the difference.  That is why some Leaders naturally lead and some Leaders never lead at all.  It’s because those that never become Leaders, aren’t aware that it is innate and that they can!

Go on, unleash your inner Leader!

Creating Miracles

Creating Miracles

Creating Miracles is something that we all do but we rarely notice. Ordinary life, is a perspective of life looking ordinary. But life is nothing short of extraordinary.  Even sitting here right now, reaching out to you with my words, it’s pure alchemy! I mean, how can this even be? Want an example of what I am pointing to? Here goes:

My partner was here a moment ago.  I know that because before he left, he walked up to me, bent over and kissed me on the cheek.  He then left the room and for all I know, he never even existed at all.  He certainly doesn’t exist right now, in this room, in my experience of this room! Not beyond these words that I am writing, is an actual experience of Stephen available to me. Of course, I have memories of his existence a moment ago, but, those moments are no longer moments, they’re past moments.  Stephen and my experience of him, is simply made of megapixels of thought and those thoughts, are powered by Mind! Not only that, but even in the moment he was actually here, that was thought too!

Now for the Miracle

If you cast your Mind back to 14.8 Billion years ago, what existed before that moment? What? You didn’t exist? Are you sure? I mean. don’t you know that you are the Universe and from where you came? Of course you don’t, because you were created in an image separate from the Universe, or, so it appears.  However, the illusion of being separate, being anything other than the Universe, is the exact illusion that stops you experiencing your non separate self, your Oneness.

But 14.8 Billion years ago there was nothing, no thing and within a moment, there was a Universe and ever since then, it has continued to expand, to grow, to gather momentum and to create.  Everything [Every thing] is an extension of that one moment of creation, is part of that moment, arises from that moment, in fact, is still that moment.  Yet, it doesn’t seem that way! Scientists are searching for matter and cannot find it, instead, what they find as they look closer, look deeper, is space, is nothing.

Yes, we are here, having an experience that seems to conclude that matter does exist, however, when understood in conjunction with the totality of experience being purely thought, then we can begin to realise that we are the Universe, having an individual experience of itself. In fact, the Universe is having billions of different experiences in any one moment.  It is imploding and exploding and creating miracle upon miracle.  The mountains, the clouds, the oceans, all life forms, are examples of Universal experience and when we meet those experiences, we can only realise  them from our own unique and personal perspective. As if that alone isn’t enough of a miracle, we are then free to realise that we too, are creating miracles.

The trouble is, miracles are often so ordinary that we fail to notice their miraculous nature. This brings me on to my second point

Miracles are Everywhere

I sat down to write this 4 days ago. I have no clue from where the idea came, other than it came through me, not from me. I had a sudden urge to write about what I do, what I help others create and the process that I teach others to harness, the principles from where miracles arise!

Half way through, I was in flow, writing, creating and then suddenly, I wasn’t. I had no idea how to continue.  I had lost the thread of this conversation and my message was unclear. I didn’t have the words. I noticed Overthinking emerging, recognisable by the heavy feeling of struggle.  Fortunately, I understand more deeply now that to sit and try to force something through layers of thought is tiring, exhausting in fact, when done regularly and for long periods.  Mind just doesn’t work that way. I cannot control an energy of which I actually  have no control. It would not be my most productive use of time and would take far too much effort.  I also know that effort is overrated.  After all, I spent the majority of my life putting in effort with variable results and so, if effort was the defining factor of doing great work, producing great ideas and honing my skills, I would have mastered ‘effort’ by now. So, I saved the article to drafts and got on with my life.

But I am here now, not even knowing the exact words in advance, but trusting that as I type this, words emerge. I was sitting in the garden this morning drinking my first cup of tea of the day.  It’s now Sunday 15th July 2018 here in the UK, 4 days after I first started to write.  I reached for my Mac without thinking and began to type.  I had an awareness unfolding as I was doing so, but that awareness was light, peaceful and confident, rather than the heavy form it had taken 4 days previously when I put this work down. Because you see, we are made of and from consciousness, a formless energy that creates all things and Mind is the gateway, the formless gateway that brings consciousness to life and the only thing that prevents us from knowing that, is effort in the shape of thought.  Overthinking is resistance to what is.  It is resistance to our true nature that gets in the way of our true nature and seeing this for ourselves enables us to relax.  The heavy lifting of creating isn’t our job and when we see it is taken care of, we can simply get on with life and trust instead that whatever is to be done, will be.

Now that in itself is a miracle isn’t it? The very fact of being able to experience life coming though you, to understand that you have less to do than you might have realised, is a relief.  If you want an example, I’m sure you have lots.

Do you have amazing ideas in the shower? Or when out for a walk? Or when you’re out with your friends and family and something suddenly pops into your Mind that you hadn’t considered before? Have you noticed that your best ideas simply come through when you have nothing on your Mind? They arise from presence, from the gaps between thought!

Or maybe you have lost your keys or your glasses or your phone and no matter where you look, you just cannot find them.  Later in the day you may find those keys in the fridge and wonder what the hell they are doing there! You see, the more we ‘think’ about a problem, or rather, the more effort we put into ‘thinking’ about a problem, the cloudier the solution will become.  Oh the solution is there! It’s always available, but, the solution lies in the space, the gaps between thought, not in ‘thought’ itself.  We cannot think our way our of a thinking problem!

Instead, what we can do is realise that.  We can notice the effort, the feeling of thinking being heavy and then understand that what that feeling is actually telling us is that we don’t need to do that. The Universe, aka YOU, doesn’t  have to put in effort to think when we realise that thinking is a natural phenomena that simply arises. Instead, we can let thinking arise naturally and in the meantime, the right idea, a fresh new idea, a new thought will arise.  Now isn’t that miraculous too?

The Final Miracle

If you’re still with me right now, or even if you aren’t, I want to take you back to your Universal self, the place from where we started at the beginning of this.  I want to nudge you in the other direction, to who you really are and remind you of your magnificence. You can throw yourself back into life and notice that YOU in fact are the ultimate miracle and from where everything in your life arises! YOU are the ONE that is here, having a very human experience, regardless of what that is and that as you see this more and more, you will see that you get to create anything!

You don’t need to manifest when you realise that you are manifestation itself and that manifesting is your natural state.  You don’t need to grind away until it hurts at a business or job, relationships or life in order to keep it going when you realise that creating is what you do naturally.  Neither do you need to put in tonnes of effort to enjoy business and to get outstanding results when you realise that peace, joy and wellbeing are what you do best and from where you create best and these too are your natural state.

YOU also don’t need to worry about forgetting all of this, but understand that from time to time you will.  It seems to me that we are not designed to see this 100% of the time or else we would.  We are having a human experience and that experience feels separate, distinct and actually enables us to want to connect with other humans, thus ensuring that the human race goes on, evolves.  In other words, the Universe continues to expand through us and with us! This in and of itself, seems part of the Miraculous nature of well, your nature!

Above all, you don’t need to be afraid that you will create the wrong experience.  You can embrace it and realise that you are here to create, to allow creation and you are going to forget and remember, according to your state of Mind and how seriously you are taking the ‘power of thought’ in any given moment.

Life is only happening right now! Miracles only happen right now! I love walking my clients gently towards this experience, towards embracing the miracle that they are and so encouraging them to allow more miracles in from Mind.  I have seen humans stop wanting to commit suicide and instead embrace their miraculous self.  I have seen business leaders move from charging £800 to £10,000 for their services in a matter of months and I have seen humans fall in love with their partners all over again, simply by realising that they are the manifestation of love itself. In all of these cases, the distinguishing factor, the difference that makes the difference is that they realise that their power to create is innate and so is their wellbeing, peace of Mind, joy, ability to wake up and propensity to go back to sleep.  In other words, they realise for themselves that creating miracles is part of their everyday and ordinary life!

What miracles are you creating that you’re not noticing?

How to be Happy

How to be Happy

How to be happy is a topic that I find crops up almost every day with not only my clients but with friends, family and colleagues.  Despite being a coach, it still never fails to surprise me when during conversation, it becomes obvious that others are purposefully avoiding happiness yet openly pursuing it.  Oh, the irony!  Indeed, I myself have lived this way for most of my life, not recognising that I had the capacity to always be healthy and well because healthy and well is my natural state.  Learning of the principles behind clarity and how thought affects our experience in any given moment was my catalyst to begin to access success.  Success in my relationships, business, health, infact, in all areas of my life.  As my grounding in the principles deepens, my experiences of and in life lift, become lighter and brighter, yours can too.

Speaking to a friend of mine recently whom I had not seen for around 10 years and she was telling me, quite intently, of her dreams, her future goals and her great aspirations.  Whilst she was using such phrases as “I cannot wait until…..” and “Everything will be great when….”.   I sat quietly and just listened to her future plans and how some day, when she had everything she wanted, life would be great.  “Of course” she explained, “after such a stressful and sad time following the divorce, I know I just need to get back on my feet and then I can follow my own dreams”. Whilst I wholeheartedly agree that space to greave is definitely a good place to start following any such traumatic life event, whether it be divorce or death, I quietly asked her why she believes that ‘being back on her feet’ is a future event?  She stopped right there and I sensed her understanding shift as her realisation of the fact that there was nothing preventing her from being happy now, impacted her.  My emotion mirrored hers as I felt her heart swell, I was right there with her, connected and feeling love.

Most of course, do move forward and go on to live happy healthy lives, but, there are some who, for one reason or another, do not.  It is so easy to get stuck in resentment and pain and embody that pain as their identity.  Before they know it, they are unknowingly playing out the role of being victims of their thinking, however, would you ever dare point this out?  I would advise caution and instead, simply point them gently to their inner connection, their innate wellbeing, with love and empathy.

You see, very few people really want or enjoy being a victim or even recognise that they are.  Often, when stuck in their grief and pain, it is due to fear, guilt and anxiety rather than need or desire and the fact that we are simply feeling our thinking from moment to moment.  That is both our human gift and our failing.  Our ability to think, conceptualise, form perceptions and weigh up possibilities does not always afford us the freedom we would assume that it does.  We all at some time, lose someone whether it be death or the end of a relationship and we experience a whole host of emotions and although this is perfectly natural and normal, to stay for longer than necessary in those emotions is not healthy.

My friend for instance, her divorce was finalised over 3 years ago and the relationship had broken down 18 months beforehand.  Although there are no set rules for how long the grieving process should or can take, over 4 and a half years later, one could be closer to becoming comfortable with the idea.  There could be an element of acceptance and a mellowing of the emotions rather than the raw pain experienced in those early days.  An inability to deal with or move through grief extends stress and anxiety and can mentally paralyse the person experiencing such emotions.

An understanding of Clarity and it’s principles can help to move someone through this process and towards a settled state.  Thought is always the culprit.  Once we understand how the mind operates and that emotion is borne of thought, it easier to gain an isight into how people get stuck in their own grief. Emotions are powerful and the effects are often physical, leaving one in pain.  This cycle can feel scary and almost always leads to further pain and further thoughts.  Our thought though, is neutral and says nothing about the actual experience, until we think it does.  Thought is a perception of actual reality and not a mirror of reality as we might assume.

Being able to take a break from thought is a huge help and most people do this naturally in a reasonable amount of time.  Even the briefest break from thought can be helpful and doesn’t always have to be noticed.  In fact, often, these small breaks occur naturally when distracted by conversation with others, social events, work and so on and gradually extend themselves for longer periods, giving the mind that much needed rest from the chatter and a natural recovery ensues.  Understanding that we are only ever living in the present moment, for that is the only moment we have, can help thought to begin to drop away and bring space for fresh thought.  Along with that come new opportunities, new thought, new perspectives on experiences in the moment and space to continue to connect with our own innate health and wellbeing.

If you recognise that someone you know is or may be suffering in this way, one of the kindest and most loving things you can do is to reach out and connect with them.  Listen to what they have to say without judgement and really hear their message and show that deep level of understanding that they so need.

We are human, thought created feeling is one the traits of humanity, but, it can also be drawback.  Once we get a deep understanding of how our mind works, we can change our inner peace.  We then know in our essence that losing someone does not signal the end of a connection with a loved one, for that will always remain.  We are after-all, each connected to each other and learning to appreciate that we live in the present moment, we can really begin to experience that connection.

The all illusive question, how to be happy following a difficult and upsetting experience does not lie in the future, the answers are always in the present.  One of the commonest thoughts to prevent happiness is blame.  Blaming a partner for ending a relationship or blaming oneself for not being able to save it, is not rare.  But if thoughts don’t move on to acceptance, at some point, the feelings created by remaining in that blame state are often anger or guilt and or any other number of insecure thoughts and feelings.

We are always acting in accordance to what our own perceptions of the world are and perceptions are illusions.  Someone else’s perceptions of the same situation may be totally different and so how do we resolve this?  Well certainly, we can argue it out and try to work out who is right and who is wrong, however, both or all parties are right as we can do no more than act in accordance to that which we perceive to be true or correct.  Knowing this, really gaining an insight into the principles brings clarity and makes it easier to see how these misunderstandings arise and can in turn alleviate guilt, anger and blame.  In fact, we are all subject to the same misunderstanding and so in this vein, we are innocent of blame.  What you experience, perceive, is true for you, therefore, that is the only truth available in that moment.  Another or a different truth is however, only a thought away and opens up the possiblity for a whole new and different experience.

If you are interested in finding out more about Clarity and the underpinning principles to help support yourself or someone you know through a difficult and traumatic time you can email me on nicky@nickybartley.com

Becoming a Great Leader

Becoming a Great Leader

Becoming a Great Leader was not the aim of many of the worlds Great Leaders.  Most just happen to be a Great Leader and are adored and revered by their crowd for other things such as Martin Luther King, whose purpose and aim was to put an end to racial hatred, Mother Theresa who insisted on doing as much as possible to end world poverty.  Great Leaders become so by doing great and amazing things…by daring to dream

According to Forbes Magazine, the main characteristics of a Great Leader are as follows:
+Ability to Delegate
+Honesty
+Great Communication
+Accountability/Responsibility

These are fabulous characteristics, however, the list is not exhaustive and the University of Notre Dame would add things like “Being a Risk Taker”

We can then go on to look at Psychometric tests such as Myers-Briggs and they would have a complete different take on it and come at an angle of styles rather than characteristics and so words such as ‘visionary’ and ‘participative’ get thrown into the mix!!

So, are Great Leaders born or do they learn to be Great Leaders?  The answer is simple, some are born, others learn 🙂

One Characteristic that is prevalent throughout all of the different schools of thought though is that Great Leaders are “Goal Orientated”

Great Leaders set and achieve goals!! Their goals will differ hugely but they know and understand the importance of having that goal, that dream, that aim!!

Great Leaders, they focus, they strategise, they plot, they never stop until they achieve!!

Perhaps more importantly, Great Leaders have “Self Belief”!! Even in moments of doubt, they find ways, methods and means to overcome that self doubt….They melt away their limiting beliefs. Great Leaders know instinctively that they can achieve anything they want to and that there are solutions to everything. Great Leaders are not phased by problems, they are excited by challenges.  Their Limiting Beliefs act as motivating factors, as obstacles to overcome and as barriers to bust through!

Leadership is not just important in the workplace though.  Leadership is important in life in general.  That need to be accountable, to delegate, to communicate, it runs through the very being of our lives.  As parents, grandparents, friends and acquaintances, we all need to navigate the ever complex societal rules and norms which get in our way of ultimate happiness, of just being and living in a way which is authentic and harmonious.

Learning to overcome your limiting beliefs is integral to leadership and to happiness.  Whatever your goals, dreams and aspirations, being aware of your limiting beliefs and finding ways to overcome them is imperative to your success.  I would love you to comment below and tell me about your Big Dreams and how you’re planning to achieve them

 

Nicky x

 

Increasing Your Confidence

Increasing Your Confidence

Increasing your confidence may seem impossible right now but have you noticed that your confidence changes? On a day to day basis or even hourly, regardless of what activities you are doing, who you’re hanging out with. what shows you’re watching or listening to and what you’re reading,  our confidence can shift very quickly.

Maybe you are like I used to be? You don’t always notice this happening, it’s just a natural flow.  Sometimes you feel good, sometimes you don’t but you have never actually connected the dots.  Our lives can happen so quickly as we move deeper into the digital era and we don’t always have time to be still and reflect on where we really are, how we are feeling.  So much get’s in the way doesn’t it?  How many things have you got on your to do list today for example? I can bet it’s ton’s and actually reading this blog is taking up your valuable time isn’t it? But you know this is important, you know that somewhere, sometime, somehow, you have got to get on top of this!

That was my life for so long, I mean actually years until I made myself slow down and reflect.  I knew I had to ease up on the self talk and condemnation of all the things I was doing “wrong”.  In hindsight (Ohhh it is a beautiful thing isn’t it?) the things I was doing wrong were actually right, or at least, they weren’t harmful, they weren’t imprisonable offences or anything like that but they weren’t serving me.  What I discovered was that, it was actually me that was hiding and shying away from my inner light.  I didn’t really appreciate that I had an inner light.  I really believed that my feelings were my guide, that they were an indicator of what I should do, so, I lived my life in accordance with my feelings and the result was hit and miss.  At that time, I had no inkling that my feelings new nothing of the outside world, of the people around me, or of my circumstances and so, I spent much of my time people pleasing.  Is this you?

  • Always  putting every one else first!  Regardless of whether it was work, family or friends, I was always last on the list.  My boss would call at 8.30am as I was on my way out of the door and ask if I could go to court as so and so had called in sick and Ohhhh Noooo, she had no one else that was free. “Ok” I’d say” but, I have a diary full of appointments with kids and families and if I don’t do them I’ll be way behind” bla bla bla.  You know what? She nearly always found someone else to meet my appointments.  Funny that since I was apparently the only one she could call on to fulfil Court Duty? So off I would rush, back into the house to change into my Court attire and hope that I would be back in time to at least meet my afternoon appointments.  Bad mood or what?  I would sit worrying about my schedule and the families that I was letting down AGAIN simply because the service that I worked for could not get their act together.  I always put the blame at my own door though, however, even if I had blamed my Employer, blame is a BAD place to be in.

Blame causes resentment and hurt and guilt and self condemnation and I could go on but we know this don’t we?  Blame also keeps us trapped and this is the worst part, blame keeps us in that vicious cycle of saying yes when you want to say no.  Each time we get asked or expected to do something that we actually do not want to do and we accept, we make it more likely that we will do so again.  That blame intensifies and so does the guilt and we become victims of our own good nature because ultimately, we blame ourselves for not doing what we really wanted or knew that we should do.

How do we get over this?  By seeing what the feeling of guilt, blame and self condemnation is actually pointing us to…..the nature of our thinking in that moment.  The feeling is telling me that I am having guilty or blameful thinking.  The feeling in itself, has no intellect, but, it is a great indicator of our state of mind.  When this started to make sense to me and I noticed my feelings, I was no longer a slave to my feelings.  This alone, frees me up to not have to alter or control my outside circumstances in order to try and change an unpleasant feeling.  In other words, Im free to say no!  The amount of space this began to free up inside my mind was fascinating.  I went from feeling manic and panic, to calm and resilient.  I was spending less and less time send guessing the feelings of others too, as, if its true for me, its true for them too.  It dawned on me that their feelings had nothing to do with me either.  Not in the sense that I don’t care about others, but in the sense of, I know that whatever feelings they experience, are a reflection of their state of mind and not a reflection of whether I am good enough

Finally, saying “Yes” becomes so much more fun because it is without resentment.  You will say “Yes” when you want to help out, when it is not going to throw you into the worst mood ever and this feels good. Saying “Yes” and meaning it is such a gorgeous feeling and lifts our confidence, our self esteem and our energetic vibration to a whole new level.

Start increasing your confidence today by doing this one simple thing; putting yourself first and understanding what your feelings are really telling you.

I would love your feedback!  Where in life are you a slave to your feelings and emotions?

Love Nicky x